Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Worst

In the order that they came to me.

1.  Parents who let their children run around restaurants (or stores for that matter) like the employees are contractually obligated to watch them.  Good luck raising yourself, young wild animals, I ain't yo' mama!
2.  Gaucho pants.  May have gotten into a heated argument with the cast last week regarding this subject.  I'd say I won, but then I got some maliciously embarrassing blocking to pay for my lip.... but they still suck.
3.  BIRDS.  They are horrifying and swoopy and poop from the sky and vermin with wings.  More on this later.
4.  Being farted on.  Kate farted in my bed once.  It's my final weapon when we argue.
5.  Being treated like a child.  I am a grown ass woman, please do not call me "Sweetie" or "Honey" when you want me to fetch something for you.  I understand that my job makes me appear to be a de-humanized golden retriever, and my enormous blue eyes and unassuming expression makes me even more adorable, but trust me when I say that if it happens one more time I am going to hurl your dinner into your lap.  And I will not pay to dry clean your fugly and ill-fitting pants.
6.  Not being able to poop.  You know it's true.
7.  Woman books.  Books that are written by women for women who are alone and eat their feelings.  They generally involve a slovenly protagonist that somehow ropes a gorgeous and successful man into her train wreck of a life.  Also typical are drawn out sex-scenes, men that "say the right things" (which would actually be  horrendously awkward and hilarious if uttered aloud), one-dimensional characters, and a best friend that is even more pitiful than the bland leading lady herself.
8.  Running into people you never liked but at such close proximity that you feel obligated to ask them about their lives and pretend that you care more than you actually do.  Being personable to people you don't care about is so time-consuming, I wish it was socially acceptable to ignore people you don't wish to speak to and tell those that approach anyway that you don't have anything to say to them and are perfectly content with critically eyeing their hair style and clothing choices from a distance.  It's not bitchiness, it's laziness.
9.  Tip of the tongue phenomenon.
10.  BEING POOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a really bad day at work.

1 comment:

  1. You wear glasses so you'll always be the best friend.

    ReplyDelete