The Rage Monkey

Natural disasters are interesting on TV, but pretty weird when they actually happen to/around you.  "I WAS HERE DOING THIS!!!" everyone shrieks to anyone that will listen.  I was at my house, on my bed, switching banks, and I thought it was sorta neat but mostly I was relieved that nothing really happened.  Apparently we are supposed to fear the destruction that those things are capable of.

However two things happened that really pissed me off.  One, was the status of some idiot that I'm "friends" with on Facebook even though in reality I find her a ridiculous (and not in a fun way), thoughtless, and stupid human being.  "More quakes and shakes, please!  That was fun!"

.....am I to understand that you....want an actual earthquake?  That you are, in fact, REQUESTING the presence of the very ground beneath your feet to writhe in ways that can kill and maim thousands of people?  HOW STUPID ARE YOU!??!?!??!  It's SUCH A PITY that the damn thing didn't do the world a favor and remove you from it!!!!!!!!  Idiot.

That plus a visit with a tiresome dental hygienist has made me wary of impending Irene.  "OH DANG I GOT WET LIKE IN A THUNDERSTORM!!!!  IT WAS WINDY LIKE DURING A THUNDERSTORM TOOO!!!!!!"  Man am I going to look like an asshole if this thing turns into something other than just another summer storm.

Which brings me to the topic at hand.

What a curious creature is the Rage Monkey!   She strikes with no warning and disappears as quickly as she came.  The Rage Monkey is definitely a lady because she frequently opens for The Period Monster, who is known for her similar qualities at the onset, but finishes her destruction tour with loads of weeping and teary-eyed nonsense.

The Rage Monkey erupts from anywhere, shoving Rational Normal Non-Rageful Self from your brain with the force of a thousand men.  If RNNRS tries to make a feeble attempt to placate, the Rage Monkey flips out even more, gathering more steam as it destroys all sanity and happiness.

The Rage Monkey's powerful assets are stealth, failure to be logical, and perseverance.  This sneaky bitch creeps up on you, consumes you completely, beats the crap out of the ol' RNNRS, and stays just long enough that you'll have to spend the rest of your day undoing the damage the Rage Monkey has left in its wake.

Typically, something banal happens.  You read a predictably idiotic Facebook status, or Janice the Fart Faced Old Lady Horror opens her yap as she scrapes barnacles out of your mouth.  Only, instead of laughing or feigning deafness, you feel an incredible surge of anger.  Someone has just asked a harmless question or postulated pure moronic crap and your hormones have unleashed their monster.  Then suddenly EVERYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SO MAD AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!!!  Run away?!  NEVER!!!!!  COWARD!?!?!!  Stay and talk it out?!?!  WHO RATIONALIZES WITH THE IRRATIONAL RAGE MONKEY!??!?!

"I was at a restaurant and the floor just starting shaking!!!"  WHO CARES WHERE YOU WERE DURING THE HURRICANE, JANICE?!?!?!   (This poor old lady thinks that I'm meek and introverted because I resolutely refuse to encourage conversation with her as I don't have time in my days for two hour long dental appointments)  YOU STUPID COW JUST SHUT UP AND CLEAN MY TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!   DON'T ASK ME QUESTIONS, DON'T TELL ME STORIES ABOUT YOUR POOR BESOTTED HUSBAND!!!!!  JUST X-RAY MY JAW!!!  AND DID I MENTION I AM SWEATING UNDER THIS LEADEN BLANKET THAT YOU CLAIM WILL PROTECT ME FROM RADIATION!?!?!  WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF MY FACE?!?!?!  DID NO ONE TELL YOU THAT MY EYES ARE MY BEST FEATURE?!!?!?!  WHERE ARE MY PROTECTIVE GOGGLES!???!?!?!?!  AND THIS DAMN THING IS ITCHING MY NECK!!!!!

"If you're ever in a play you'll have to tell us so we can come see you!"  WHY!??!  SO YOU CAN RUN YOUR YAP THROUGH THE ENTIRETY OF THE PLAY AND CLAIM THAT YOU WROTE THE WORDS YOURSELF?!  SO YOU CAN TELL YOUR CHINA DOLLS THAT YOU DID SOMETHING OTHER THAN MAKE YOUR HUSBAND WANT TO END HIS OWN LIFE THAT DAY!??!!

"Have you ever had braces?  It looks like there's still some cement on this tooth!!"  LOOK AT MY FUCKING CHART, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE IN CHARGE HERE?!?!?!  WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME!??!  AND YES I HAVE HAD BRACES, THEY CAME OFF TEN YEARS AGO, HOW HAVE YOU NEVER NOTICED THAT I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE CEMENT IN MY MOUTH!??! ARE YOU SAYING MY TEETH AREN'T STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO HAVE BRACES?!!  YOU'RE DENTURES ARE IMPRESSIVE, BUT NOT AS IMPRESSIVE AS MY PURE ENAMEL!!!!!!!!!!

I left that office with no cavities and a guaranteed ticket to Hell's fiery gates.