Friday, August 5, 2011

Since I Can't Go to Hogwarts

I'm moving to New York City instead.

Er...I mean, The City.  I'm not going to fit in and I don't really care that much.  I'm scared.

New Yorkers (according to movies and my limited experiences) fall into one of two categories:  Hipster Shithead that I want to simultaneously kiss on the mouth and punch in the stomach, or Super Rich Gucci Prada Anorexic Model that society tells me I want to look like, but really I just wonder when the last time that emaciated "woman" thing ate pasta.  And also I just a leeetle bit want to look like her.

Hipster Shithead:

  • wears loads of plaid 
  • smokes loads of cigarettes
  • has cool sunglasses that don't make his/her eyebrows look like caterpillars peering over plastic squares
  • drinks drinks with names like Lonely Island (ok, I keep You-tubing the one where they do each other's moms) or Moody Southerner or something
  • eats organic and vegan and only white food and supplies this by going dumpster diving
  • listens to bands no one has ever heard of with depressing ass lyrics
  • has sleeves
  • and lots of other sweet tats
  • sticks their hair up like when you played with shampoo in the bath as a kid 
  • reads books that talk about being alive and what it all means and Plato was a genius and you're boring so shut UP can't we talk about Harry Potter and Arrested Development and things that are mainstream because that are awesome?
  • bitch about the government and how we should save trees but then go back to their Macbooks and forget whatever cause they campaigned for
  • are rich but buy things that are expensive but look like crap.  like the maker made a nice thing, then painted it and scraped half the paint off and let a puppy teeth on it and then decided puppy saliva is really valuable so now this dumb dresser wardrobe is $4,000 please.  Payable to Anthropologie
Rich Skeletor Model Alien:
  • wears labels of stores that would not let me breathe in them
  • parties with celebrities/athletes that are famous for making sex tapes, starting hand bag lines, or being on the Disney channel when they were 8
  • wears shoes that prevents her from running away/could bludgeon attackers to a grisly death
  • drinks alcohol out of thimbles because otherwise they would get poisoned and start convulsing on the dirty hobo pissed on streets
  • has a vacuum that sucks the poo right out of their butts so they can look four pounds light for a few hours at a premier of whatever
  • don't eat food
  • reads magazines about dieting and nail polish and how hard it is to have lots and lots and lots of money and where to vacation this time of year when you just have TOO MUCH MONEY and oh here's an article about how some people are poor and isn't it eye opening?  NO AND DON'T YOU NOTICE THAT STARVING PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THESE SCARY ASS ALIEN MODELS?!
  • poops money
  • spends time in the morning doing things like curling eyelashes and using a blow dryer and applying salves and things that make you smell like sex and tobacco mated with flowers and the ocean
  • poops money some more
Whereas I am just a Nerdy Disgusting Psychotic Moron.  I:
  • go for weeks (yes, occasionally more than one) without washing my hair.  and it doesn't look cool and tousled, it looks dirty and like an animal nested and then died in its nest.
  • cry watching Steve Carrell in Dan in Real Life because I love watching parents adore their children even if it's just a movie
  • watch the Jon Stewart show and pretend that I am up to date on current events
  • declare I won't eat carbs but only last about two hours because I really need to eat Cheez Its and Oreos and doughnuts or I'll die
  • occasionally get really nervous Wormtail is going to tie me to a grave stone and make me watch Voldemort rise and then have to fight him to get back to Ron and Hermione and Sirius
  • watch So You Think You Can Dance clips for HOURS and realize that I really should have taken dance lessons as a child so I won't be so woefully awkward in my own body 
  • am afraid of pigeons and seagulls
  • get grouchy and heinous when I feel that the makers of my sandwich PURPOSEFULLY WITHHELD garlic mayo and cheese
  • wear skirts that are stretchy if I'm going out to dinner to a place that I really like so I'll be able to accommodate my food baby
Watch out, The City.  Bacon's coming up and she's gonna... not hang out with you!!!

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