Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Sessy Times

I marched into Kate's room today (OK FINE TO WORK ON THE GINORMOUS FAIRY PUZZLE WE HAD BEEN ATTACKING) and she was collecting up laundry because she had no more underwear.  Unfortunately for me, this meant she was wearing her reserve lacy black undies and I was not prepared to see so much ass.  We walk around our house in t-shirts and underwear and sometimes slippers, but we try to keep it PG13.

So here's a list of some sessy stuff.

  • Smelling like soap.  It's pretty jarring if you spot a sessy man walkin' down the street or all up in the cluuuub and then you get a wiff of either sweat (foul.  Just because I don't bathe doesn't mean I condone your filth) or horrendous cologne.  Cologne is the worst.  It'll turn you off rull quick.  Who wants to make out with a dude who reeks of musk and pine trees (gin) and tobacco?  I'm in a cluuub, not in the forest hoping a lumberjack will fell me a tree and then rub it on himself.  Do you think they like, spritz it on their wrists and daub it behind their ears?  Or do they step into it?  Nancy boy.  Plus, I know I only wear perfume because my ass is stinky, I can only assume that's why you'd do it too.
  • Clean hands.  I do not want mangey paws on my sessy bod.  If you have grody, dirty hands then I'll be all dirty and shit too.  Gross.  Wash yo' hands, trim yo' nailz, and don't pick your nose.  I ask so little.
  • Being nice to/about your mom.  Note I did not say "be obsessed with your mom" or "continue to breast feed at the age of 28" because both of those are definitely not sessy.  However, being nice to your mom lets us ladies know that you are not a completely ungrateful and immature miscreant and thus if I were to let our genes grow to the size of say 8 pounds and let it come ripping out of a sensitive area of my body, our 8 pound meatball would probably not be a total douche.
  • Smiling.  I fucking hated Twilight.  Be fun!  Don't sulk, otherwise we would be forced to realize the only thing we have in common is that we don't like things; you don't like the world and I don't like you.  Plus smiling lets you show off your teeth and I am not dating anyone with dookie mouth.  Cain't be passing that on to younger generations.
  • Glasses.  Yup.  GLASSES ARE SESSY.  One, you appear smart (which is all I really need, not too many actual brains or I'll get flustered and feel the need to read the newspaper before we hang out and let's be real, I'm not going to catch up on any news that isn't on Facebook or the Daily Show) and two you seem anti-sticking crap in your eye.  Which means you probably aren't a drag queen.  Which means you are probably straight.  Which means I have a better shot of you being attracted to me.  Which means we could make out.  It also means that I'm allowed to bust out my goggles if I don't feel like sticking crap in MY eyes.  Tight.
  • Being kind.  Seriously.  Chivalry is dead so if you catch a glimpse of such a rare bird, you freak out.  I would make some sort of joke, but I can't think of any because I think kindness is rare and shouldn't be made fun of.... woof.
  • Cool facial hair.  Why, are you too absorbed in your art/science to shave?!  HOW PASSIONATE of you!!!!  If we had a baby and he was a boy baby he would have mad facial hair and the ladies would think he was a beast at age 12.  Plus the other boy babies turned adult males would fear him due to his straight masculinity.  Also, you were a boy baby turned boy adult and you are dripping with masculinity from your hair covered yet strong jawline.  mmmmmm

I can't think of sessy things anymore.  I typed mmmm and then I realize how I just want a doughnut but obviously that's luda because it's 3:30 AM and everyone knows that KK opens at 6.  I'd settle for a cookie but we're out downstairs.  DAMN ALL THE EATERS OF KEEBLER DELICIOUSNESS!!!!!  DAMN THEM ALL!!!!  Harris Teeter is open 24/7 but even I am not so gluttonous as to walk to Harris Teeter at 3:30 AM to buy cookies.  Mostly because it's not a freakin' doughnut.

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